I am {not} enough… But Jesus is

I am enough.

I used to tell myself this all the time. Even if I didn’t necessarily believe it, I would speak it over myself until it was all I could hear. But it never seemed to work.

It never moved me to love myself more.
It never inspired me to accept my flaws as they were.
It never birthed the kind of confidence I witnessed other people having.

This feeling of “not enough” stayed with me well into adulthood. I still never felt pretty enough to be looked at, good enough to be loved, liked enough to have more friends, confident enough to put myself out there, or brave enough to try new things.

I began racing towards an invisible “finish line” —a mirage of mirrors that only ever showed me what I wanted to see. A slice of alternate reality where everyone I wanted to like me liked me back. As soon as I felt close to achieving this phantom life of “being enough,” the ground shifted beneath my feet like the figment of my imagination that it was, moving the “finish line” yards back.

But even if I were to cross this “finish line,” where would it get me? If being “enough” is all I want to be, then maybe I’m running the race for the wrong reasons. If I’m only trying to cross into a version of reality where I’d feel beautiful enough not to have to re-check my appearance every few hours or worthy enough to let the untouched places of my heart be embraced and romanced, then maybe I shouldn’t cross it. Of course, it’s okay to desire consistent, unshakable confidence or a secure marriage to one day build a family, but that can’t be the only reason for running the race or all I hope to achieve.

Miles in, I’ll find out I’m running the wrong race– because nothing beyond that line will ever be enough.

No matter how much time I invest in myself or future relationships, nothing earthly can ever fully satisfy the hunger in my soul. Nor should I ever put myself into a position where I need myself or another person to survive—where I need someone more than I need God. The truth is, I will always let myself down. Other people will let me down, not because of anything intentional but because they’re not God.

When I hear this saying now, all I can see is how self-focused it is and how much emphasis it places on the individual level: I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

If you ask me, it feels like a lot of work–

Because if I’m supposed to be enough, I must provide the strength I need whenever I am weak. 

If I’m supposed to be enough, I must love myself in such a way where I don’t question my worth.

If I’m supposed to be enough, I must comfort myself when I’m sad or feeling overwhelmed.

I can’t be the master of my own life and expect the Lord to reign, too. I’m destined to get lost searching for self-sustaining ways to meet my requirements for love, comfort, and strength. God can, will, and already has filled all the places and areas of my life where I can’t. So when you peel back the layers—all the embellishments and frills, all the comforts and luxuries I’ve been privileged with, all the dreams I want to fulfill—what’s left?

And when I look at what’s left, is it enough?

Because if it is, God’s stronghold will be revealed. If it isn’t, what’s left is a worldly foundation that will crumble as quickly as it was established. 

Though I often fall into the trap of thinking that maybe one day I will be enough, only the One who truly knows me best can prevent me from relying on myself for nourishment. God doesn’t leave us stranded without outstretching His hand.

There’s freedom to be found in arriving at the end of myself and accepting that there’s no version of me worth more to Him.

Jesus’ blood gives me life, and his resurrection has rescued me from the hands of death. My “not-enoughness” isn’t a reflection of my shortcomings but instead a display of God’s all-encompassing splendor, strength, and sufficiency.

When I think of how “not enough” is quickly transformed into “more than enough” in Jesus’ hands, the story of the five loaves and two fish comes to mind.

In John 6, there was a multitude of people who were following Jesus as He was performing miracles with His disciples. It was known that the crowd of five thousand people would be hungry, but there was no way to feed them easily by human standards. In verse 5, “Then Jesus lifted up His eyes, and seeing a great multitude coming toward Him, He said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread, that these may eat?”  But this He said to test him, for He Himself knew what He would do.

Philip answered Him, “Two hundred denarii worth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may have a little.”

One of His disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to Him, “There is a lad here who has five barley loaves and two small fish, but what are they among so many?”

That was all there was—five single loaves of bread and two small fish inside this young boy’s basket. What looked to be “not enough” in man’s eyes was made into plenty when Jesus distributed it.

In verses 12-13, “So when they were filled, He said to His disciples, “Gather up the fragments that remain, so that nothing is lost.” Therefore they gathered them up, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves which were left over by those who had eaten.”

Not only was there enough to go around but there was an overflow. There were twelve baskets left over. They started with little and ended with much. This is exactly the same approach God has always taken regarding His children. Whenever we frantically look around and to ourselves for what we need, it’s easy to find scarcity there. But when we look to God for provision, He provides us more than we will ever need.

Alone, I am not enough.

Without God, I am not worthy enough.

Without Jesus, I am not holy enough to even come near the Lord’s presence.

If we skip over a few chapters from where we were in chapter 6, John 15 contains a visualization that depicts what it looks like to be so deeply embedded in Christ that nothing makes sense outside of Him. Starting in verse 5–

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.”

This is why we can’t wander too far from the source of life. We are imparted with wisdom when we remain close to the Lord. From His freely given love, we can best love and serve the people around us, for God is the ultimate source.

Committing to walking in alignment with Christ supplies us with infinite joy even when we experience trials or stressful situations. That’s why true Christians can genuinely walk in peace and gladness even when there’s nothing but darkness up ahead.

There are some days where everything I do feels purposeless and disordered. My job doesn’t feel right anymore. My relationships seem far away. My excitement for the future is diminished. These are all symptoms of a life disconnected from Jesus. This is what it looks like to become detached from The Vine.

There is no life apart.

I am beyond grateful for a love that doesn’t require pre-requisites, proof, or receipts of my “being enough.” God prefers when we accept that we are weak without Him and the Word rather than relying on our insufficient roots for nourishment. There is beauty and room for restoration in our incompletion. In Hebrews 12:1-2, Paul instructs us on the race we should be running—one where our eyes are fixed on Jesus and nothing else, and our prize is “an imperishable crown” (1 Corinthians 9:25).

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I can run with everlasting hope and endurance when I pivot the focus off myself and onto Jesus. When I run towards the feet of God, I’m running after my one and only purpose for being on this Earth. When I break my pride and give God the glory, I can truly step into the new seasons the Lord has for me with an unbroken stride.

I am not enough, but The Great I AM is.